Friday, March 2, 2007

It was always going to happen, Julian was always going to fall head-over-heels for that nasty girl next door, Amber. She had him in the palm of her sweaty little claw right from the get-go. Why can’t young men – and Julian is a man, I know that now, my young man-child – engage some tiny part of their hormone-drenched brain and discern the obvious difference between a young woman with class and flair who is actually suited to them, and a greedy, needy, take-all-comers tart like Arthur’s little trollop? It causes me no end of grief to hear him going on and on and on about what Amber thinks – there’s a hilarious concept – and what Amber says – well I’m sure he can’t get a word in edgeways – and what Amber does – which is the really worrying part, considering that I found a condom packet in Julian’s bedroom… Because from what I see, Amber spends most of her time floating about in inappropriate clothing, doing lumbering pirouettes and attempting to jump on top of my son! Does Arthur make the slightest attempt to control her? No! If it was me? I’d have her on a short leash and wearing a muzzle.

Rise above, Dimity, rise above... The new look hairdo has been a complete liberation, why it took me so long to lose that tatty old look I’ll never know. Must be a bit like that Patricia Hearst syndrome, loving your captivity or whatever, well that’s what it seems like to me now, hanging on to such a tragic look for so many years just because some style-free wretch in smalltown salon told me it was “me” – it was never “me”! I should take that woman to court and demand damages.

But the really big news is that I’ve secured the property next door, compensating for Stuart’s hopelessness by humiliating myself with my boss John from work, borrowing fifty thousand dollars… but it made all the difference. However, I am sure with a little care I can keep John focused on his job, and not on my legs, which do seem to get more than a little of his attention these days. I’ve got my work cut out for me, I know, establishing a few definitive ground rules with John – did I mention that he invited himself around, and pushed his way into the house the other night? Drunk? It would have been hilarious – if Julian and Ollie weren’t there to comment on the whole thing. I know Julian has it in for me right now – but I can’t tell you how embarrassing John’s visit really was. Julian seems to think that I’ve lost all self-control! Imagine! And coming from him! Stuart should have been there to save me. But where was he? Gazing deeply at his hairy navel somewhere out in Kumeu, I understand…

But this property business – I know I have a natural flair for it! I lie awake at night thinking how to get ahead, how to maximize my advantages… It’s been exciting, but stressful – and I’m sure my frown-line’s back. Bonnie’s finally done the decent thing and come through with her little loan of twenty thousand, once I pointed out to her that that’s what friends are for. I was quite upset actually by her reticence to come to my aid. Anyway, let it go!

But I am so proud of the way I’ve stitched this deal together. Despite Stuart, who left a bizarre little note – god knows why he can’t pick up the phone and communicate like any civilized person – telling me that Kumeu has finally sold. For a pittance, but we’re not in a position to argue. Oh I can’t tell you what a relief it is to me to say goodbye to that depressing dump. Funny isn’t it, once upon a time I would have told you that the country life was the answer. Birdsong! Fresh air! If you asked me today, I’d say that living out of town is a sign of being mentally soft. But it’s over! I need never go out that way again. Life is looking better than ever and it’s all because of me. Don’t you love congratulating yourself when you’ve successfully executed a major life-change, and done everything perfectly?